- Joined
- Aug 15, 2020
- Posts
- 8,393
Hades’ Inferno Stadium Once Again Ranked Toughest Arena To Play In
NEW YORK—The site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hades’ Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPN’s list of toughest arenas to play in this week. Situated in the newly redeveloped sports and...
theonion.com
Unusually lengthy for The Onion, but it's all
NEW YORK—The site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hades’ Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPN’s list of toughest arenas to play in this week.
Situated in the newly redeveloped sports and entertainment district on the banks of the River Styx, 115,000 eternally damned souls regularly sell out the iconic bone-columned stadium. Their deafening shrieks, along with the region’s flesh-melting heat and suffocating brimstone, create an environment that visiting coaches and players said makes it nearly impossible to leave with a victory.
“Every season when the schedule is released, I dread finding out whether we’ve gotta play down there,” said one anonymous player, blaming some of his career’s worst performances on the jet lag he experienced traveling through nine circles of hell. “It’s probably 155 degrees on the field, so guys are constantly cramping up. Plus, I’m always worried about running out of bounds because there’s only two feet between the sideline and the ring of fire lining the field.”
“So many guys tear their ACLs trying to stop themselves before they’re incinerated,” the source added. “And the ground is constantly erupting and impaling players on rusty spikes.”
Visitors confirmed that every aspect of the stadium, originally designed in 689 by a Visigoth pedophile, has been carefully considered to provide the home team with the maximum advantage, such as forcing opponents to walk past a caged Cerberus as they make their way through the Tunnel of Shadows leading to the field. Players also noted that the stadium’s retractable roof is left open when torrential downpours of rams’ blood are expected, leading to slippery and at times dangerous conditions—a problem exacerbated by the poor drainage in the field’s bed of hot coals.
Moreover, the dilapidated stadium locker room is said to be a bottomless pit of darkness with only two working toilets.
“It’s a tough place to play, I’ll say that,” said a coach whose eyes were recently gouged out by one of the banshees unleashed during timeouts to entertain fans. “We try to replicate the conditions in practice, like cranking up the heat and pumping in the stench of rotting flesh, but it’s not the same as having the real wind of Satan’s breath swirling around the stadium.”
“There’s just no way to recreate seeing your starter’s soul sucked out of his mouth,” the trembling coach added.
Visiting teams agreed that the biggest contributor to the home field advantage is the stadium’s raucous, demonic fans, particularly the diehard “Ultras,” a group largely made up of former al-Qaeda terrorists. The stadium has long held the Guinness World Record for loudest crowd, achieved when fans reached 247.1 decibels when singing along to Sisqó’s “Thong Song,” which is traditionally played at the end of every third quarter.
Many players also begrudgingly admitted that seeing a sea of fans all waving human entrails is, in fact, distracting.
“I’m all for fans creating a hostile environment, but a lot of the time they really cross the line,” said one anonymous visiting player, adding that he genuinely feared for his safety the time thousands of drunken fans began hurling the human skulls used to serve ice cream onto the field. “The stuff they say can get really personal, like when I kept hearing this demonic voice in the stands say my mom is the fattest bitch in hell. I finally looked back and saw it was this little aborted fetus giving me the middle finger.”
“The only other place you’d ever see that is Fenway,” the anonymous player added.
Sources around the league expect that Infero will only become a more difficult place to play in the coming years. A recently announced sponsorship deal with longtime corporate partner Amazon will fund the addition of 25,000 upper bowl seats as well as the restoration of the 6,000-gallon bucket of boiling water that tips onto the field to celebrate big plays.
“We’re very proud of the game day atmosphere at Inferno,” said stadium communications director Timothy McVeigh. “It’s one of the greatest sports venues in all realms, and we hope to continue delivering memorable days at the ballpark to all those who crawl through the Flaming Gates.”
“We look forward to seeing you all at Soul Giveaway Night,” McVeigh continued. “Now let’s go, Cats!”