How do you tell your daughter not to invite you to get togethers?

[fooferdoggie]

It's such a wack thing. Her mom is blind and my daughter always had problems with that when she was younger. We were never normal to her we never drank or partied or did much of anything. Neither one of us drove and we were poor so did not go many places at all.
Well now she is grown and married with a daughter. We get along well with her but it's fine if we are alone with her. We have problems with most foods me I can mostly only eat protein and her mom cant eat any grains (she got that from me) so we cant eat normally. She will invite us over (we only live a mile away) but never for food or anything like that) before we got our tandem bike she would never drive over and visit or bring our granddaughter over. We would always have to walk over there no matter the weather. She is outgoing to others and will do stuff for them and eat with them and such but not us. I have learned never to ask for anything that takes any effort for Christmas or birthdays. Like I would just want to go on a day road trip we did that once once twice and it was Fine but she sure did not want to.
It's not a big deal she never hardly eats with us but the thing is our granddaughters birthday was yesterday and we stopped by as soon as they got home as it was 6 and a bit late. Gave her a couple of gifts and hugs. I bought her a bike a few weeks ago before the weather turned But we had to leave as I need to eat dinner early or my guts can act up.
So they have her birthday party today and they have food for everyone just pizza and cake but we have nothing. No one on my side of the family came just her hubby's and friends side. As usual we are not super outgoing and my wife being blind seems to cause people not to know how to talk to her even after 4 years. So we pretty much sat there while everyone was eating and left and she blew out her candles.
It's like what's the point inviting us? No one talks to us much if at all she does not have time to talk to us we have nothing to eat and often even drink. I bet if we could sneak out without anyone seeing us it would be awhile till anyone noticed.
They have parties with his parents and families and go on trips and such but we do a lot of the babysitting and helping them when they need it while they do that.
Like she may invite us over in the morning thanksgiving but we will go to a Chinese place for dinner.
It's better on my side of the family they talk to my wife and me. We still would have to feed ourselves though.
It sucks a bit that we will babysit while they have fun with this parents and such but we enjoy being with our granddaughter and thats the best part. I am not outgoing so I am used to people not talking to me but my wife suffers more. But we really only go for our granddaughter but even then we don't really see her much at those parties.
If we did not live so close we could make excuses. Like our bike is broke or such.
What really bothered me is my wife had shoulder replacement surgery and she really could not do much of anything for 4 months all she did was stay home and go to physical therapy. She could not ride the bus because its too rough and she could not walk very far. So she was stuck at home almost the whole 4 months. I asked my daughter to please pick her up and take her to the store or over to her house to get out or anything and she just made excuses why she could not. But she never did till hubby heard about it and got her to do it once.
I think she likes being with us as long as it takes little to no effort on her part. I don't ask for any help unless I have no other choice anymore even though I can't always do it so I have to spend money to get things delivered or sometimes they just don't happen. She thinks its because we want to be independent but its because she complains when we ask for help. I am 59 and her mother is 56 and we both have health issues.
Getting the tandem let us go anywhere we can ride to so now we can go over without 40 minutes of walking . So we see her once or twice a week and sometimes more. So she never really invites us over and we don't really ask. We just stop by on our ride and chat a bit. I think we would rather have that than getting invited and just being by ourselves with nothing to eat or drink. It's just pointless we don't enjoy it I doubt his family cares if we are there. I think his parents get jealous of us because we by her more stuff. But we don't buy her a lot of stuff as we don't have a lot of money but we only have one granddaughter. They have more money then we do. I think they 7 or more grandkids. They could come over more often if they wanted. they drive and don't live too far away maybe 15 miles at most.
Well enough complaining we get along well with her and hubby I guess so there is that.But we just don't like going to get togethers because we are just the 3rd wheel on a date and would like to just not do that anymore.

 

[Apple fanboy]

It's such a wack thing. Her mom is blind and my daughter always had problems with that when she was younger. We were never normal to her we never drank or partied or did much of anything. Neither one of us drove and we were poor so did not go many places at all.
Well now she is grown and married with a daughter. We get along well with her but it's fine if we are alone with her. We have problems with most foods me I can mostly only eat protein and her mom cant eat any grains (she got that from me) so we cant eat normally. She will invite us over (we only live a mile away) but never for food or anything like that) before we got our tandem bike she would never drive over and visit or bring our granddaughter over. We would always have to walk over there no matter the weather. She is outgoing to others and will do stuff for them and eat with them and such but not us. I have learned never to ask for anything that takes any effort for Christmas or birthdays. Like I would just want to go on a day road trip we did that once once twice and it was Fine but she sure did not want to.
It's not a big deal she never hardly eats with us but the thing is our granddaughters birthday was yesterday and we stopped by as soon as they got home as it was 6 and a bit late. Gave her a couple of gifts and hugs. I bought her a bike a few weeks ago before the weather turned But we had to leave as I need to eat dinner early or my guts can act up.
So they have her birthday party today and they have food for everyone just pizza and cake but we have nothing. No one on my side of the family came just her hubby's and friends side. As usual we are not super outgoing and my wife being blind seems to cause people not to know how to talk to her even after 4 years. So we pretty much sat there while everyone was eating and left and she blew out her candles.
It's like what's the point inviting us? No one talks to us much if at all she does not have time to talk to us we have nothing to eat and often even drink. I bet if we could sneak out without anyone seeing us it would be awhile till anyone noticed.
They have parties with his parents and families and go on trips and such but we do a lot of the babysitting and helping them when they need it while they do that.
Like she may invite us over in the morning thanksgiving but we will go to a Chinese place for dinner.
It's better on my side of the family they talk to my wife and me. We still would have to feed ourselves though.
It sucks a bit that we will babysit while they have fun with this parents and such but we enjoy being with our granddaughter and thats the best part. I am not outgoing so I am used to people not talking to me but my wife suffers more. But we really only go for our granddaughter but even then we don't really see her much at those parties.
If we did not live so close we could make excuses. Like our bike is broke or such.
What really bothered me is my wife had shoulder replacement surgery and she really could not do much of anything for 4 months all she did was stay home and go to physical therapy. She could not ride the bus because its too rough and she could not walk very far. So she was stuck at home almost the whole 4 months. I asked my daughter to please pick her up and take her to the store or over to her house to get out or anything and she just made excuses why she could not. But she never did till hubby heard about it and got her to do it once.
I think she likes being with us as long as it takes little to no effort on her part. I don't ask for any help unless I have no other choice anymore even though I can't always do it so I have to spend money to get things delivered or sometimes they just don't happen. She thinks its because we want to be independent but its because she complains when we ask for help. I am 59 and her mother is 56 and we both have health issues.
Getting the tandem let us go anywhere we can ride to so now we can go over without 40 minutes of walking . So we see her once or twice a week and sometimes more. So she never really invites us over and we don't really ask. We just stop by on our ride and chat a bit. I think we would rather have that than getting invited and just being by ourselves with nothing to eat or drink. It's just pointless we don't enjoy it I doubt his family cares if we are there. I think his parents get jealous of us because we by her more stuff. But we don't buy her a lot of stuff as we don't have a lot of money but we only have one granddaughter. They have more money then we do. I think they 7 or more grandkids. They could come over more often if they wanted. they drive and don't live too far away maybe 15 miles at most.
Well enough complaining we get along well with her and hubby I guess so there is that.But we just don't like going to get togethers because we are just the 3rd wheel on a date and would like to just not do that anymore.

Families are complicated. Not always easy to understand the dynamics.
I live a long way from my family (4 hours), so rarely see them. Maybe once a year with my Dad, once every two to three years my Mum.
Don’t even get me started on my daughter. It’s seven years since she we lost her.
Since then we don’t do birthdays or Christmas or any celebrations to be honest.
Could you sit down and discuss these issues with your daughter and her husband together? I always think things are better out in the open. They may have no idea how you both feel.
Of course some people won’t care either way and things could get worse rather than better.
Good luck with it.

 

[Alli]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My family is relatively traditional. We don’t see much of my husband’s side at all, since they only want to be friendly at Thanksgiving and Christmas. (I’ve mentioned many times that we can get together any time.) So we wind up only seeing them at funerals.

I cannot imagine not having a warm, loving relationship with my mother or my daughter. Have you tried inviting them to your place for a meal?

 

[Macky-Mac]

you don't have to go......just because she asks you, you're not obligated to show up and not enjoy it. You're seeing her once or twice a week (or more) so you don't need to do the misery visits too

Next time there's an invitation to something you think will be the typical unhappy visit, just tell her you're going to skip this one.

Or have an excuse ready.....stomach issues acting up again, exhausted because of sleep problems, .....and "no, just need to skip this one" if she presses you to come anyway.

And then don't go.

 

[fooferdoggie]

it was our granddaugters birthday party of course we will show up. she does not invite us for much anymore. yes we should talk to her about it but man that would be a hard thing. the thing is we are not going to get younger and we don't know what will happen I we need something I cant afford to pay someone to help me with. its a strange thing because we get along with her really well but my wife's blindness really causes issues my side of the family has had 36 years to get the hang of it. but she goes so isolated and its hard on her me I am used to it and its not that big of a deal.