The Elder Parent Scenario

[Eric]

Well, another fall and this time it was hours before she was able to get the phone to call out for help, I tried to suggest life alert but she seemed to think the phone would work but you have to carry it every time you get up. We're now waiting on test results but there's speculation that it could be a stroke, two days ago she sounded fine but this stuff can really sneak up on you. Fingers crossed that it's nothing major but we'll have to wait and see.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Well, another fall and this time it was hours before she was able to get the phone to call out for help, I tried to suggest life alert but she seemed to think the phone would work but you have to carry it every time you get up. We're now waiting on test results but there's speculation that it could be a stroke, two days ago she sounded fine but this stuff can really sneak up on you. Fingers crossed that it's nothing major but we'll have to wait and see.

Ouch.

My sympathies, commiserations.

Been there, done that, bought that t-shirt, etc

My mother refused to wear the alert which would automatically trigger an emergency phone call; indeed, on one occasion, following a fall, the doctor found it (almost lovingly) entwined around the body or arms of her bedside lamp.

My mother's falls - as we belatedly came to realise - were, in fact, mini-strokes, related to - or, rather, a condition of, a symptom of - her vascular dementia.

However, prior to her diagnosis with vascular dementia, on account of her falls, she had been misdiagnosed with Meuniere's disease and vertigo, and had been treated accordingly; that particular cul-de-sac cost us the best part of a year.

 

[Eric]

Ouch.

My sympathies, commiserations.

Been there, done that, bought that t-shirt, etc

My mother refused to wear the alert which woud automatically trigger an emergency phone call; indeed, on one occasion, following a fall, the doctor found it entwined around the body or arms of her bedside lamp.

My mother's falls - as we belatedly came to realise - were, in fact, mini-strokes, related to - or, rather, a condition of, a symptom of - her vascular dementia.

However, prior to her diagnosis with vascular dementia, on account of her falls, she had been misdiagnosed with Meuniere's disease and vertigo, and had been treated accordingly; that particular cul-de-sac cost us the best part of a year.

Wow, sounds strikingly similar, especially the vertigo which is something she has always struggled with and they've even given her medication for it. Right now they're thinking it was A-Fib and her BP is exrremely hight but we're still awaiting results for the rest before they move her out of the ER.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Wow, sounds strikingly similar, especially the vertigo which is something she has always struggled with and they've even given her medication for it. Right now they're thinking it was A-Fib and her BP is exrremely hight but we're still awaiting results for the rest before they move her out of the ER.

Yes.

Ouch.

Very familiar.

Mother also had A-Fib, stratospheric cholesterol and BP, (plus several stents and a pacemaker).

If they are looking at vertigo (and we were - that is, my mother was, treated, erroneously, for that condition for the best part of a year), or Meuniere's, do ask them to check out the possibility of those falls coming as a consequence of the micro-strokes, or mini-strokes, that are a symptom of vascular dementia.

 

[Eric]

They did some imaging and it appears that she has cancer that has spread to multiple organs, pancreas, lungs, kidneys and colon. They're going to confirm everything but it sounds like she'll be going into a hospice situation.

We all know she doesn't have long anyway but she still wants to go back home on her own "I think I can go back home with a walker" even though she can't even stand on her own anymore. We almost have to laugh because it's so frustrating.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

They did some imaging and it appears that she has cancer that has spread to multiple organs, pancreas, lungs, kidneys and colon. They're going to confirm everything but it sounds like she'll be going into a hospice situation.

We all know she doesn't have long anyway but she still wants to go back home on her own "I think I can go back home with a walker" even though she can't even stand on her own anymore. We almost have to laugh because it's so frustrating.

Oooof.

Commiserations; that is grim.

Whereas I have concerns about - and must admit that I really hate those care homes - a hospice situation is entirely different.

In my experience - and we had hospice support for both parents - hospice support is superb, - in fact, we had hospice outpatient support - and I cannot praise it highly enough.

 

[Huntn]

They did some imaging and it appears that she has cancer that has spread to multiple organs, pancreas, lungs, kidneys and colon. They're going to confirm everything but it sounds like she'll be going into a hospice situation.

We all know she doesn't have long anyway but she still wants to go back home on her own "I think I can go back home with a walker" even though she can't even stand on her own anymore. We almost have to laugh because it's so frustrating.

Sorry to hear this, while I acknowledge it is often the ugly end of life and I believe most people if given the choice and it was practical would choose the end at home, not in the hospital. My Grandmother passed at her home (living with my Aunt) with hospice care at home. My Mom, with my brother, although this was not her home, and she was not particularly happy with the situation, but that is how it goes.

Speaking of the ugly end, first I realize this is a matter of perspective. Secondly, without the benefit of knowledge of the big picture in a possible spiritual framework, if given the choice about another vacation to the Earth Simulator, even with the prospect for deep and meaningful experiences, the possible joy of a physical life (as compared to a spiritual existence), it can be accompanied by deep and horrible pain, because this is truly the jungle. I would think long and hard about volunteering for this trip again.

But to repeat, this is said with lack of the big picture, if there is a bigger picture to be appreciated. This could be similar to what Capt Picard experienced when he lived a lifetime in a matter of an hour (or so).

 

[Clix Pix]

Hospice care provided at home can be very comforting for both the family and the patient......being in one's own familiar environment makes such a difference! Certainly I appreciated it when my husband was terminally ill. It was much nicer for him to be at home and much less stressful than a hospital environment would have been. We were offered the option of outpatient at-home hospice care and gratefully accepted it.

There are also some free-standing hospice care facilities around the country. A friend's mother was very ill and unfortunately neither the friend or her brother could care for her in their own homes so she was admitted to a hospice facility near where the brother lived. It was truly a very pleasant place, the staff were very kind and compassionate and looked after their patients with genuine caring and concern. Comfort measures were put into place -- no more meds meant to "cure" something which was incurable anyway, no more invasive procedures, no IVs or TPN, and each patient had a very pleasant private room with large double doors which led to an attractive small private patio outdoors. It was rather hot weather, it being summer when she was there, so my friend's mother didn't go out on the patio -- if she had wanted to do so, though, it would have been possible for her bed to be moved out there, or if she were in a wheelchair she could've sat out there. Family and friends could also enjoy the patio and on pleasant days it was nice to open the doors and let in some fresh air from time to time.

Family could visit any time day or night and also if desired could remain in the room all night with a patient, which sometimes happened if someone was deemed to be getting close to the end. Staff was stationed very close to each room and could be there very quickly to attend to anything which was needed. There was a small kitchen / dining area equipped with a refrigerator and microwave where families could bring in their own food and/or have it delivered so that it wasn't necessary to leave the facility to get something to eat, since there was no cafeteria. The physical building was very nicely laid out and although it was indeed an institution it didn't have that institutional look or feel about it. The surrounding grounds were lovely and there were places for family and friends to go for a walk or to sit quietly near a burbling fountain and reflect on things. There was also a small chapel on the grounds, too, for those who wished to spend some time in there. My friend and her brother were both quite pleased with the overall situation and felt that their mother received gentle and thoughtful, compassionate care during her few weeks there.

 

[Apple fanboy]

They did some imaging and it appears that she has cancer that has spread to multiple organs, pancreas, lungs, kidneys and colon. They're going to confirm everything but it sounds like she'll be going into a hospice situation.

We all know she doesn't have long anyway but she still wants to go back home on her own "I think I can go back home with a walker" even though she can't even stand on her own anymore. We almost have to laugh because it's so frustrating.

Very sorry to hear that. I'm seeing my Dad tomorrow night for the first time in about 4 years. Every time I do, I wonder if it will be the last time. Even though he is is relatively good health for his age.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Hospice care provided at home can be very comforting for both the family and the patient......being in one's own familiar environment makes such a difference! Certainly I appreciated it when my husband was terminally ill. It was much nicer for him to be at home and much less stressful than a hospital environment would have been. We were offered the option of outpatient at-home hospice care and gratefully accepted it.

There are also some free-standing hospice care facilities around the country. A friend's mother was very ill and unfortunately neither the friend or her brother could care for her in their own homes so she was admitted to a hospice facility near where the brother lived. It was truly a very pleasant place, the staff were very kind and compassionate and looked after their patients with genuine caring and concern. Comfort measures were put into place -- no more meds meant to "cure" something which was incurable anyway, no more invasive procedures, no IVs or TPN, and each patient had a very pleasant private room with large double doors which led to an attractive small private patio outdoors. It was rather hot weather, it being summer when she was there, so my friend's mother didn't go out on the patio -- if she had wanted to do so, though, it would have been possible for her bed to be moved out there, or if she were in a wheelchair she could've sat out there. Family and friends could also enjoy the patio and on pleasant days it was nice to open the doors and let in some fresh air from time to time.

Family could visit any time day or night and also if desired could remain in the room all night with a patient, which sometimes happened if someone was deemed to be getting close to the end. Staff was stationed very close to each room and could be there very quickly to attend to anything which was needed. There was a small kitchen / dining area equipped with a refrigerator and microwave where families could bring in their own food and/or have it delivered so that it wasn't necessary to leave the facility to get something to eat, since there was no cafeteria. The physical building was very nicely laid out and although it was indeed an institution it didn't have that institutional look or feel about it. The surrounding grounds were lovely and there were places for family and friends to go for a walk or to sit quietly near a burbling fountain and reflect on things. There was also a small chapel on the grounds, too, for those who wished to spend some time in there. My friend and her brother were both quite pleased with the overall situation and felt that their mother received gentle and thoughtful, compassionate care during her few weeks there.

Mrs AFB mother died in a hospice. She knew the end was coming and we took her in on the Friday. As we had spent every weekend there for months, we took the opportunity to go see my parents (our daughter was maybe 3 or 4 at the time), as they had been missing out. I still remember the call when we were nearly there telling us she had suddenly deteriorated and we should head back. Mrs AFB said we should still go visit my mum for an hour rather than doing another 3 hours in the car all the way back. I felt so guilty. But she said it was a relief for her not being there as she slipped away. At that stage she was on so much morphine I doubt she would have known.

 

[Clix Pix]

I do believe that sometimes the person who is dying really does not want close family members or maybe one particular loved one to be there at the time of death. They may be concerned about the emotional impact that being there would have on the loved one or since none of us knows until we go through it exactly what the process of death involves, there may simply be fear of this unknown situation and they don't want their loved ones to be upset and afraid.... ??

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I do believe that sometimes the person who is dying really does not want close family members or maybe one particular loved one to be there at the time of death. They may be concerned about the emotional impact that being there would have on the loved one or since none of us knows until we go through it exactly what the process of death involves, there may simply be fear of this unknown situation and they don't want their loved ones to be upset and afraid.... ??

I think it goes both ways, and the person who is dying seems to have some say in how this works out.

Some - and both of my parents were in this category - wanted family with them, and we three were present when each of my parents passed away; for that matter, I have absolutely no doubt that my mother held on until we were all present, and Other Brother - having travelled from his home three hours or so away - arrived less then 15 minutes before she passed away.

However, others - and I have friends who tell such stories - were with dying parents, and had been present for hours, but had slipped out briefly for a coffee, or to visit the rest room, or something similar, which was when the parents - for whom dying was something personal and private - sort of seized the moment, and died. And I have no doubt that this was deliberate, too.

 

[Clix Pix]

My husband was one who apparently "seized the moment and died," as I had left the room to get fresh sheets for the bed. I was unaware that when a dying person voids that this is usually a signal that death is imminent. The linen closet was right across the hall from the bedroom, literally only just a few steps away -- as I was reaching for the sheets the nurse who was in there with him called out, "he's going.....!" and by the time I got back into the room he was gone. It was that fast.

My father died in the hospital of what medical people often refer to as "the old person's friend," a case of pneumonia that accelerated quickly and neither my mother, who was at home ill or I could get to the hospital in time to be with him during his final moments, but thankfully, his doctor, who was also a family friend, was there with him.

Some years later I spent most of a very pleasant day with my mother in the nursing care facility that she had entered after it became clear that she was no longer able to live on her own in her apartment as cancer had invaded and was taking its toll, and kissed her goodbye, we expressed our love for each other and I left for the night. Around midnight the phone rang and it was someone from the nursing home, letting me know that my mother had just peacefully passed away......

I was with my friend when her mother died; we were both in the room, my friend holding her mother's hand. Her brother, who was very close to their mother, was at home getting some much-needed rest as he had spent the entire previous night with her. Her mother slipped away quietly, gently..... In that situation there was concern about how the brother would take their mother's death, so it didn't surprise me that she passed away when he was not there.