The Onion buys InfoWars
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Yoused
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A good fit. Infowars was, in its way, already a satire. I mean, not in a good way, but satire is a twist on reality. Usually mean to be humorous or ironic, though Infowars was not at all amusing. Kind of like A Modest Proposal being taken seriously.
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I’m reminded of this, the best legal brief ever filed.
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Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’
Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of...
theonion.com
Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.
All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board.
Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon.
Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.
No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.
Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.
What’s next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories.
As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.
All will be revealed in due time. For now, let’s enjoy this win and toast to the continued consolidation of power and capital.
Infinite Growth Forever,
Totally agree. Infowars will been good hands.
It also occurred to me that this purchase was a total win-win. Think about it - in addition to the Onion peeling stuff out of this rich material (really looking forward to that!) the donors that made this purchase possible could be assured that the funds that paid the transaction actually went to the grievously harmed families.
Truely excellent outcome.
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And an exclusive ad deal with a gun control charity, too. It’s glorious.
Notably some MAGAs who tried to purchase it all are trying to stop the sale (they won’t). The parents actually agreed to reduce the award if The Onion wins the bid; because of this, unless someone else bid more than $2 Billion, nobody could outbid The Onion. It’s all hilarious.
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Elon’s getting involved.
www.nbcnews.com
Elon Musk's X Corp. files notice in Alex Jones' Infowars bankruptcy case
The judge overseeing the case has called for a new hearing to discuss concerns about the bidding process.
Yoused
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I think the point of the judgement was punitive damages. If Infowars remains in a nominally intact state because dirtbags came up with enough money to buy it up, the punitive aspect of the judgement is a failure. The plaintiffs really should have the final word on its disposal, since it has become their property.
Also, it would really piss off Elno to find out that having hundreds of billions of dollars is not enough to provide him the right to acquire anything he wants.
Also, it would really piss off Elno to find out that having hundreds of billions of dollars is not enough to provide him the right to acquire anything he wants.
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the sad part is this is not much to Jones. his supplement business is thriving and is now under another name. This is really hardly a slap on the wrist and he can just start up another one.
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