Do I say Hell No or let the MIL bully us into coming

Herdfan

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Yah, I hope and actually think the times may be changing. Care home directors do now realize that some folks really do like activities such as those at a typical senior citizens center, but others are happiest left to their books or a TV program or doomscrolling their way through Twitter. The idea in an assisted living facility or a nursing home is that the people still able to get around a bit just not end up feeling left out.. but also to let those who are more introverted be comfortable in their solitary pursuits.

Mom & Dad were polar opposites in this regard. Dad didn't like to socialize much because he had trouble hearing in large crowds. So he was not a big fan of being forced into a room full of other people. Mom on the other hand was a social butterfly and could find some joy in just about anything.
 

Roller

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We planned ahead and moved into a single story bungalow. It’s our intention to die here.
I applaud you for charting your own course and moving into a home on one level, since climbing stairs is often a challenge in old age. But you'll probably have to deal with infirmities that require one or the other to provide assistance beyond your physical capabilities, but still otherwise permit a good quality of life. That's where having people who can come by when needed makes a difference, if financially doable.
 

Macky-Mac

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Perhaps a silver lining in the cost of living being more and more unreasonable is that by the time you go to assisted living it will be a step up. You go from living with roommates who don’t pull their own weight to living with roommates where everything is taken care of....

unfortunately the cost of living in an assisted living facility probably means that people who are "...living with roommates who don’t pull their own weight...." probably are not going to be moving into an assisted living facility.

Currently the median cost for California is $5,250 a month (source)......$63,000 a year, and that's not including any medical care you need.

edit; keep in mind that "assisted living facilities" aren't actually the same as "nursing homes"
 
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Scepticalscribe

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Not all of us are from the States, and some of us enjoy some of the benefits of some form of a state-funded public health system, (granted, one that is increasingly frayed at the edges).

For example: Following my mother's (formal) diagnosis with dementia, we were entitled to - and received - three visits a day from (state-funded) carers to help dress, wash and feed my mother, - and also help with toileting as her health deteriorated and her care needs increased - and ensure that she took her meds; a public health nurse called by at least weekly, - usually twice a week, and doctors and physio also turned up as needed; we were also entitled to a couple of weeks of respite care (at public expense) each year - which was invaluable as it allowed the carer (and ourselves) a complete break from (the burden and) the responsibility of caring for my mother.

And the meds themselves were state funded; my mother didn't have to pay (a fortune) for her medication (well, she had paid her taxes all of her working life).

Now, we did fund private care, and were very fortunate that we had the means to do so - we had a wonderful Filipina carer (whom I wrote about at length) who lived with us, providing superb and kind and competent and compassionate care to my mother, for six years, until my mother's death.
 
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Apple fanboy

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Not all of us are from the States, and some of us enjoy some of the benefits of some form of a state-funded public health system, (granted, one that is increasingly frayed at the edges).

For example: Following my mother's (formal) diagnosis with dementia, we were entitled to - and received - three visits a day from carers to help dress, wash and feed my mother, - and also help with toileting as her health deteriorated and her care needs increased - and ensure that she took her meds; a public health nurse called by at least weekly, - usually twice a week, and doctors and physio also turned up as needed; we were entitled to a couple of weeks of respite care (at public expense) each year - which was invaluable as it allowed the carer (and ourselves) a complete break from (the burden and the) responsibility of caring for my mother.

Now, we did fund private care, and were very fortunate that we had the means to do so - we had a wonderful Filipina carer (whom I wrote about at length) who lived with us, providing superb and kind and competent and compassionate care to my mother, for six years, until my mother's death.
Have you seen the carer lately? I hope she is doing well.
I’ve said before that what you did for your mother was exceptionally kind and caring. Gave her dignity in her final years.
 

Scepticalscribe

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Have you seen the carer lately? I hope she is doing well.
I’ve said before that what you did for your mother was exceptionally kind and caring. Gave her dignity in her final years.

Thank you.

Yes, I'm still in touch with the carer, - she is well - our debt to her cannot be calculated and is immeasurable. Without her, we wouldn't have been able to care for my mother at home for so long or look after her so well: Some of her stuff is still here, and she uses my address for post, hence, when post for her arrives, I will phone her, - sometimes, she will ask me to open it and read it out to her - and she will show up sometime later (the most recent time, a few weeks ago, with a still warm homemade apple cake as a gift) to collect her post, and, if it is medical and/or bureaucratic, - for, bureaucratic vocabulary can be tricky and a bit difficult to understand - I'll go through it with her; actually, her friend dropped a Christmas card in to me today signed by the pair of them.
 
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Herdfan

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We planned ahead and moved into a single story bungalow. It’s our intention to die here.

Awesome for you.

My MIL finally made the move after buying a 2 story house with all the bedrooms upstairs ...... when she was 59. :oops:

So after her 2 falls, she finally realized she needed to go to a 1 story. So my wife, her daughter, spent hours looking at townhomes and patio homes with condo ownership so she wouldn't have to worry about any outside maintenance.

Instead she heard about a house for sale from someone at her church, went and looked at it and bought it. Didn't even want to look at anything else. Now she is finding out it is a money pit and she hates it and wants to sell it. SMDH.

edit; keep in mind that "assisted living facilities" aren't actually the same as "nursing homes"

They are not. And a nursing home insurance policy will not pay out for regular AL. It finally started paying for my dad when he had to go to the memory care wing.
 

Apple fanboy

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Awesome for you.

My MIL finally made the move after buying a 2 story house with all the bedrooms upstairs ...... when she was 59. :oops:

So after her 2 falls, she finally realized she needed to go to a 1 story. So my wife, her daughter, spent hours looking at townhomes and patio homes with condo ownership so she wouldn't have to worry about any outside maintenance.

Instead she heard about a house for sale from someone at her church, went and looked at it and bought it. Didn't even want to look at anything else. Now she is finding out it is a money pit and she hates it and wants to sell it. SMDH.



They are not. And a nursing home insurance policy will not pay out for regular AL. It finally started paying for my dad when he had to go to the memory care wing.
My Dad moved into a single story home about 15 years ago. Then about 10 years ago he purchased a huge 2 story old place which he's been doing up for years. Probably too much for him to manage. Especially the garden as its huge.
 

lizkat

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We planned ahead and moved into a single story bungalow. It’s our intention to die here.

When I first bought this place, my sister's family was still dairy farming not far from my house. Everyone knows everyone else around here, so my family secretly arranged with the realtor ahead of my purchase closing date to get access to the house and put in a few "amenities" as a surprise housewarming gift. All I had done in the meantime was just arrange for the utilities to be turned on. I figured to eat takeout food that weekend and spend the time buying a few groceries and making lists of what to bring up here first from downstate.

So when I walked into the place for the first time as a homeowner after all the paperwork in town, I was greeted by the sight of a coffeemaker, a pound of coffee, a gallon of spring water, a cup, spoon and can of evaporated milk, a glass jar of sugar... all in the kitchen... and in the living room they'd set up a single bed and made it up with pillow, linens and blankets, and added a table with a lamp. So sweet of them!

I suppose when I can't manage the stairs any more, that's a bit how that living room will once again look, but in the meantime of course I had moved in my stuff from the city, so there's a baby grand piano in there. That will be promptly shown the door later on when I finally do need a first floor bedroom!
 

Edd

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I’ve always been a fan of single story homes. I just think they look cool and are practical for reasons mentioned. Hard to find anything good in New England, though. That style is not the norm here.
 

Clix Pix

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I've been quite happy and content here in my little 2 bedroom, 2 bath condominium unit that is all on one floor and also only is a couple of steps up or down outside to the sidewalk leading to our parking lot when arriving at or leaving the building. I was in my late 40's when I bought this place, and at the time noted a few nice features which would be helpful immediately but also in the coming years but at that age really wasn't focused on that seemingly distant future at the time. Certainly I've never regretted this move, and I suspect and hope will continue to enjoy my little condo on the water for quite a while longer, even though, yes, I'm not getting any younger and -- gulp! -- 80 is already furtively peeking at me around the corner, ready to celebrate that momentous occasion when it actually arrives in a couple more years.....

If I'm lucky one day I'll have some sort of fatal incident right here at home and at some point I'll leave here nicely zipped up in a body bag, and whoever needs to attend to what is necessary after that will deal with things. For me, I really prefer no worries about winding up in Assisted Living or a SNF (skilled nursing facility)..... I just want to go quickly and without any bother to anyone.

I do have family, but we are not all that close (they're actually my family through my marriage rather than through blood) and, well, I just do not want to put the responsibility of my care on my niece and/or nephew, as each of them already has pretty significant responsibilities with their own families as it is, and in one case even into their children's young adulthood years. That said, I have appointed one of them to be the executor of my (quite modest) estate such as it is, and to handle my affairs after I am gone. Overall, though I would prefer to spare both my niece and nephew as much as possible when it comes to Auntie Clix Pix.....
 
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