Do I say Hell No or let the MIL bully us into coming

[Herdfan]

Most of my wife's family lives in Indianapolis, which looks to be right in the middle of this week's Winter Storm. Since we are moving, our daughter asked to be able to wake up Christmas morning in her childhood home and we said Absolutely. Now this didn't go over well with the MIL, but little ever does. The current plan is to go over Thursday and home Saturday.

But with this storm coming Thursday night into Friday, we may be stuck there. Several of the models are calling for 7-10" along our route, and all are calling for 40 mph winds and flash freezing with temps around zero. So getting back home Saturday could be a challenge at best, a tragedy at worst. Neither my wife or I think we should go, but as sure as I sit here typing this, when she calls her mom this evening to broach the subject, her mom will try to guilt her into coming. It is always all about what she wants no matter what that causes for other people. She is the most immature 87 year old you will ever meet.

So do I just be the bad guy and simply say No, we will be over on Monday, but will be leaving Tuesday because our daughter has a friend flying in to see her. Or let us be bullied into coming and potentially ending up stuck along the way. Or worse.

 

[Eric]

Most of my wife's family lives in Indianapolis, which looks to be right in the middle of this week's Winter Storm. Since we are moving, our daughter asked to be able to wake up Christmas morning in her childhood home and we said Absolutely. Now this didn't go over well with the MIL, but little ever does. The current plan is to go over Thursday and home Saturday.

But with this storm coming Thursday night into Friday, we may be stuck there. Several of the models are calling for 7-10" along our route, and all are calling for 40 mph winds and flash freezing with temps around zero. So getting back home Saturday could be a challenge at best, a tragedy at worst. Neither my wife or I think we should go, but as sure as I sit here typing this, when she calls her mom this evening to broach the subject, her mom will try to guilt her into coming. It is always all about what she wants no matter what that causes for other people. She is the most immature 87 year old you will ever meet.

So do I just be the bad guy and simply say No, we will be over on Monday, but will be leaving Tuesday because our daughter has a friend flying in to see her. Or let us be bullied into coming and potentially ending up stuck along the way. Or worse.

IMO there's no way I would risk it, putting personal family squabbles aside, the chances of getting stuck in snow during a really dynamic storm is real. Sorry to hear she is difficult but expecting you to bring everyone under those conditions is beyond unreasonable.

I say enjoy your Christmas at home and get the MIL on Facetime, we've done it several times under the same circumstances after making the mistake of traveling in bad weather once and getting stuck sitting for over 8 hours on Christmas Eve. Never again.

 

[Chew Toy McCoy]

When are you moving? Can you instead do a visit after Christmas before you move?

As somebody who had to also go through my parents selling my childhood home and moving late in life, I can say for some it is a big deal and should supersede these annual obligatory traditions. I'd possibly put it up there with weddings and funerals. It's not a normal excuse to get out of something or that you can just do at a later date, especially with your daughter now living across the country.

 

[Edd]

Most of my wife's family lives in Indianapolis, which looks to be right in the middle of this week's Winter Storm. Since we are moving, our daughter asked to be able to wake up Christmas morning in her childhood home and we said Absolutely. Now this didn't go over well with the MIL, but little ever does. The current plan is to go over Thursday and home Saturday.

But with this storm coming Thursday night into Friday, we may be stuck there. Several of the models are calling for 7-10" along our route, and all are calling for 40 mph winds and flash freezing with temps around zero. So getting back home Saturday could be a challenge at best, a tragedy at worst. Neither my wife or I think we should go, but as sure as I sit here typing this, when she calls her mom this evening to broach the subject, her mom will try to guilt her into coming. It is always all about what she wants no matter what that causes for other people. She is the most immature 87 year old you will ever meet.

So do I just be the bad guy and simply say No, we will be over on Monday, but will be leaving Tuesday because our daughter has a friend flying in to see her. Or let us be bullied into coming and potentially ending up stuck along the way. Or worse.

Definitely I’d stay home. Curious does the MIL live with anyone or will she have some kind of company? Doesn’t change my answer either way.

 

[Herdfan]

When are you moving? Can you instead do a visit after Christmas before you move?

As somebody who had to also go through my parents selling my childhood home and moving late in life, I can say for some it is a big deal and should supersede these annual obligatory traditions. I'd possibly put it up there with weddings and funerals. It's not a normal excuse to get out of something or that you can just do at a later date, especially with your daughter now living across the country.

We aren't moving until February. So we can go Monday, but due to one of our daughter's friends coming in, we would have to leave Tuesday.

Definitely I’d stay home. Curious does the MIL live with anyone or will she have some kind of company? Doesn’t change my answer either way.

She will. Both her other two daughter's live in town and her son is coming in tomorrow and won't leave until at least Sunday. She will not be alone.

My MIL has basically dictated what we did every Christmas for 28 years. I was an only child with little extended family in the area. So we did a Christmas trip every other year or so. Usually a cruise and then would stop by my FL grandmother's house on the way home. So I finally convinced the wife we needed to do a Christmas cruise and she agreed. So we booked it. MIL wasn't happy, but tough. So to get back at us, she fell and ended up with a compression fracture in her back. So we decided to go see her that year and do the cruise the next year. So FF to 2019.

We went there for Thanksgiving and when they were putting the turkey in the oven, they had to remove on of the racks in order for it to fit. But the rack was hot, so my SIL put it out on the back patio. No big deal, right. When we got home Sunday, the wife called her mom to let her know we were in and her mom asked where the rack went. So she told her. This is at 9:30 at night. So this 80 something year old goes outside while still on the phone to get the rack and falls when trying to get back inside. So my wife is on the phone with her and can hear her yelling, but the phone got away. So I am on the phone with my SIL who calls 911 and heads up. Turns out she reinjured the same place she hurt the year before. So another cruise called off. Planned for the next year. WTH made her think she needed to get the rack right then in 20 degree temps while on the phone. It easily could have waited until the next day.

The next year was 2020 and we all know how that worked out. Same for 2021. Could have gone this year, but the daughter wanted to be home so that's fine.

Someday I am going to get my Christmas Cruise. RCCL still has $750 of my money on deposit.

 

[lizkat]

So do I just be the bad guy and simply say No, we will be over on Monday, but will be leaving Tuesday because our daughter has a friend flying in to see her. Or let us be bullied into coming and potentially ending up stuck along the way. Or worse.

Just say no. The "bad guy" is someone who risks life and limb while also making life hazardous for emergency responders out on some godforsaken highway in a blizzard.

Sometimes plans don't work out and have to be changed. The MIL has a very selective memory if she hasn't had that experience before. If she wants to keep score on stuff like that, it's her problem.

 

[mollyc]

if your mil is anything like my mil, just say no.

 

[Roller]

Don’t go. Your family’s safety is paramount to your MIL’s selfish feelings and wishes. I once set out on an inter-city trip that should have taken 5 hours. I drove into heavy snow after about 2 hours and foolishly pressed on instead of turning around. I made it safely to my destination after more than 11 hours, but could easily have ended up on the side of the highway, as many other vehicles did that night.

 

[Apple fanboy]

I’m chuckling as I read this thread. It sounds like so many Christmas’s past to me. When Miss AFB was little we would spend the few days I had off from work trying to people please and fit everyone in.
Then one year I said to the grandparents I was not going to spend 6 hours of Christmas Day in a car anymore. They were welcome to come visit us, but we were going to let our little girl open her presents at home and not have to drive across the country.

Anyway now Christmas doesn’t exist for us anymore I’m more than happy to not ‘have to’ do anything. It’s such a relief.

@Herdfan be the bad guy. Just do want you want at Christmas.

 

[Herdfan]

From the files of "You can't make this $#!^ up, she fell again last night and reinjured her back. At the ER now getting X-Rays to see if she will be admitted. At least it was inside this time. No idea when she is going to learn that she can't have both hands full, open a door and go up a step.

So if she is admitted, we won't be going tomorrow for sure. SMDH.

I probably am going to need to build her a "Costco" door so she will stop trying to carry multiple things into the house all at once.

Thanks for the input.

 

[MEJHarrison]

From the files of "You can't make this $#!^ up, she fell again last night and reinjured her back. At the ER now getting X-Rays to see if she will be admitted. At least it was inside this time. No idea when she is going to learn that she can't have both hands full, open a door and go up a step.

So if she is admitted, we won't be going tomorrow for sure. SMDH.

I probably am going to need to build her a "Costco" door so she will stop trying to carry multiple things into the house all at once.

Thanks for the input.

That's horrible. I hope she's ok.

 

[Roller]

From the files of "You can't make this $#!^ up, she fell again last night and reinjured her back. At the ER now getting X-Rays to see if she will be admitted. At least it was inside this time. No idea when she is going to learn that she can't have both hands full, open a door and go up a step.

So if she is admitted, we won't be going tomorrow for sure. SMDH.

I probably am going to need to build her a "Costco" door so she will stop trying to carry multiple things into the house all at once.

Thanks for the input.

From what you've said, your MIL has had several highly concerning incidents. A fall that might not faze someone in their 30s can cause severe injury or death in an 87-year-old. Is she alone? Should she be in assisted living?

 

[Herdfan]

From what you've said, your MIL has had several highly concerning incidents. A fall that might not faze someone in their 30s can cause severe injury or death in an 87-year-old. Is she alone? Should she be in assisted living?

She is alone. But she is stubborn as hell. She was raised on a farm and still has some of that independence in her, but in a bad way.

When my mom passed, my wife offered her 1) a recliner with a lift to make getting out of the chair easier and 2) a scooter so she could get around easier. She flatly refused both because she is not ready to give up. Of course, she is also the one that thinks everything that happens to older people only happens to her. She got breast cancer a few years ago and didn't understand "why these things happen to me", ignoring the fact that most people her age have some type of cancer. Everything is about her.

I mentioned she was raised on a farm, but she was also the youngest by 8 years (a "recreational" baby) and has always felt entitled. So when things don't go smoothly, she doesn't understand that sometimes, happens and it's not the universe conspiring against her.

She would be a perfect candidate for Assisted Living, buy according to her, those places are full of old people who need help. Like I said, entitled mentality.

 

[Roller]

She is alone. But she is stubborn as hell. She was raised on a farm and still has some of that independence in her, but in a bad way.

When my mom passed, my wife offered her 1) a recliner with a lift to make getting out of the chair easier and 2) a scooter so she could get around easier. She flatly refused both because she is not ready to give up. Of course, she is also the one that thinks everything that happens to older people only happens to her. She got breast cancer a few years ago and didn't understand "why these things happen to me", ignoring the fact that most people her age have some type of cancer. Everything is about her.

I mentioned she was raised on a farm, but she was also the youngest by 8 years (a "recreational" baby) and has always felt entitled. So when things don't go smoothly, she doesn't understand that sometimes, happens and it's not the universe conspiring against her.

She would be a perfect candidate for Assisted Living, buy according to her, those places are full of old people who need help. Like I said, entitled mentality.

I understand the mentality — it's harder for some people to give up their independence, since they may view it as the beginning of the end, as it were. How many children does your MIL have? At some point, it may be helpful for all of them to get together with her in person and discuss the issue. There are also counseling services that may offer other approaches.

 

[Apple fanboy]

She is alone. But she is stubborn as hell. She was raised on a farm and still has some of that independence in her, but in a bad way.

When my mom passed, my wife offered her 1) a recliner with a lift to make getting out of the chair easier and 2) a scooter so she could get around easier. She flatly refused both because she is not ready to give up. Of course, she is also the one that thinks everything that happens to older people only happens to her. She got breast cancer a few years ago and didn't understand "why these things happen to me", ignoring the fact that most people her age have some type of cancer. Everything is about her.

I mentioned she was raised on a farm, but she was also the youngest by 8 years (a "recreational" baby) and has always felt entitled. So when things don't go smoothly, she doesn't understand that sometimes, happens and it's not the universe conspiring against her.

She would be a perfect candidate for Assisted Living, buy according to her, those places are full of old people who need help. Like I said, entitled mentality.

I’d sooner die than move into any assisted living place when I get older. If I get older.

 

[lizkat]

I could maybe stand it if the arrangements were just individual apartments with railings on the walls etc... and absolutely no "cruise director" on staff coming around every day to ask if one would like to play mahjongg or join in a quick round of bingo before lunch.

But assisted living places are pretty pricey, and they are certainly scarce around here. I'd be likely to do what most elderly on their own usually resort to here when things start getting to be too much in old age: hire a local woman to stop in once a day and make sure one is still breathing, and bring in the mail. Then have someone come in once a week to clean.

Hereabouts it's not as hard to find someone in the boondocks to do that as it might be in a city, as far as finding someone local who comes recommended. There are not many jobs up here, and some women are happy to do that sort of thing along with catering events and such, because it eases their budgets or gives them some pocket money, or money to set aside for their kids' education. Even after the point that a home health care aide may be needed, those side arrangements for cleaning and clearing away or just fetching mail in and taking the trash bins out can let someone stay in their own home longer.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I’d sooner die than move into any assisted living place when I get older. If I get older.

I couldn't agree more.

 

[Herdfan]

I’d sooner die than move into any assisted living place when I get older. If I get older.

What's ironic about this is when we had to put my dad in an Assisted Living place, he did not want to be there. It was a daily battle between him and mom because he wanted to go home. Mom was like, "when it's my time, you won't get any argument from me". I wish I had recorded her saying that because she had to go and then tried to escape on Day 2. Talked an orderly into taking her outside on her scooter and as soon as she was through the doors, she flipped it to High and was off like a Cheetah. They had to run and catch her. LOL.

-------------------

We as of right now, we aren't going. They took X-Rays but did not admit her. She is waiting to hear back from the Dr. who fixed her the last time as the X-Rays were sent to him. So we are planning to go over Monday.

 

[Roller]

The conundrum is what to do for elderly family members who can’t get along fully on their own. Assisted living facilities run the gamut from excellent to abysmal. The best ones provide compassionate help as needed, but they’re expensive.

Unfortunately, over the past century we’ve gone from grandparents living with their adult children to being separated, often by hundreds of miles or more. When I was growing up, my grandmother lived in the same house as we did and passed away at home in her late 90s.

Glad you’re not going to see your MIL while the weather is bad.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Friend of mine moved his Dad from Yorkshire to London where they live when it got too much for him on his own. He’s been living with them maybe 10 years now. I think he’s 94.
In contrast my other friends Mother is a similar age. Her children and grandchildren have all moved away. She lives on her own and is doing fine.

Of course some of us no longer or never had children so we are screwed if we get old. That’s why I always intend on keeping ’enough’ pills in the house. Especially once Mrs AFB is gone (should she go first).

Add to that my pension is worth less at the end of the year than it was at the start! Nice. Should have just spent the cash!