General The End Of Your Life

[Huntn]

It can suck in old age, hopefully you keel over before your crawling on all fours or have lost your marbles, the entire sum of your life reduced to an echo. Go quick, don’t linger.

What brought this on? I’m currently providing moral support to my 96-year-old father who seems to be slipping fast, but not fast enough, at least not from his perspective. In his words, if I wasn’t such a coward, I’d go out back and eat a bullet . It’s heartbreaking, he lives in Florida, I live in Texas, I tried to get him to come live nearby in a senior facility about five years ago, and ultimately he refused.

He’s still sharpen enough to function, but lost regarding anything technical that he’s not already familiar with. He’s also still mobile but not very without oxygen, and while he knows what he should do, move to a senior center that can provide assisted-living, he keeps rebelling regarding this idea. Me and my brother are encouraging him to move to one of the many places he’s toured in the past, and he just can’t decide that it’s bad enough that he should. He understands the logic of the advantage of making this change on his terms, versus being forced into something less desirable, yet he can’t seem to make a decision other than to maintain the status quo as his health deteriorates.

Anyway, my brother, who now lives in Alaska is flying down there to go over financial records and hopefully talk him into taking the step towards the assisted-living. My plan is to go over there after, I’m hoping that he can make a decision so when I do come, I can physically help him with anything that he needs help with. The bad thing is he’s alone, I can stay there for a week but then I’ll be headed home. If I see a move on his part to transition into assisted-living, I could stay longer to help with that .

I remember @Scepticalscribe discussing this while back in regards to her mother, but not in the terms I’m using, more elegant.

 

[Roller]

It can suck in old age, hopefully you keel over before your crawling on all fours or have lost your marbles, the entire sum of your life reduced to an echo. Go quick, don’t linger.

What brought this on? I’m currently providing moral support to my 96-year-old father who seems to be slipping fast, but not fast enough, at least not from his perspective. In his words, if I wasn’t such a coward, I’d go out back and eat a bullet . It’s heartbreaking, he lives in Florida, I live in Texas, I tried to get him to come live nearby in a senior facility about five years ago, and ultimately he refused.

He’s still sharpen enough to function, but lost regarding anything technical that he’s not already familiar with. He’s also still mobile but not very without oxygen, and while he knows what he should do, move to a senior center that can provide assisted-living, he keeps rebelling regarding this idea. Me and my brother are encouraging him to move to one of the many places he’s toured in the past, and he just can’t decide that it’s bad enough that he should. He understands the logic of the advantage of making this change on his terms, versus being forced into something less desirable, yet he can’t seem to make a decision other than to maintain the status quo as his health deteriorates.

Anyway, my brother, who now lives in Alaska is flying down there to go over financial records and hopefully talk him into taking the step towards the assisted-living. My plan is to go over there after, I’m hoping that he can make a decision so when I do come, I can physically help him with anything that he needs help with. The bad thing is he’s alone, I can stay there for a week but then I’ll be headed home. If I see a move on his part to transition into assisted-living, I could stay longer to help with that .

I remember @Scepticalscribe discussing this while back in regards to her mother, but not in the terms I’m using, more elegant.

Sorry to hear about your dad. From your description, he's quite functional, especially for someone his age. I assume he's living alone, which opens him up to all sort of problems if he suffers a medical setback, which will be even more difficult to handle as a crisis. I understand why he's reluctant to move into assisted living — to him, it's the beginning of the end — but he needs to sooner rather than later. Your father may be more willing to hear this from a third-party. If you and your brother can't convince him, is there another relative or friend he might listen to? Alternatively, have you asked for professional counseling?

Good luck!

 

[Edd]

I think we push it way too far with being alive as long as possible. It needs to be an option to end your life when you choose, before you're a vegetable permanently strapped to a bed. After 75 yo I'm not sure someone should be considered suicidal if they want to get the check, so to speak. Life isn't precious, a quality life is.

 

[Herdfan]

I think we push it way too far with being alive as long as possible. It needs to be an option to end your life when you choose, before you're a vegetable permanently strapped to a bed. After 75 yo I'm not sure someone should be considered suicidal if they want to get the check, so to speak. Life isn't precious, a quality life is.

You are describing my MIL to a "T". She fully expects to live well into her 100's and will be pissed if she doesn't (currently she is 89). Yet every thing that has happened to her recently is a direct result of her poor decisions.

I went though similar things with both parents and will not subject my daughter to it. Being alive for the sake of just being alive is not something I want for me or her.

 

[Roller]

You are describing my MIL to a "T". She fully expects to live well into her 100's and will be pissed if she doesn't (currently she is 89). Yet every thing that has happened to her recently is a direct result of her poor decisions.

I went though similar things with both parents and will not subject my daughter to it. Being alive for the sake of just being alive is not something I want for me or her.

We’ve tried to make it easier for our children by recording our wishes about whether to prolong our lives if we’re not in the condition to do so. But if I’m still able, I hope I’ll have the courage to make the right decision.

 

[Alli]

My mother (90) lives in a regular apartment. The senior community didn’t work out well for her, but this is no different other than they don’t offer bus tours hither and yon. But that’s what I’m for. She hates the idea of living beyond her “expiration date,” and wonders why science keeps looking for ways to increase longevity. In her words “getting old is everything it’s cracked up to be.”

 

[Nycturne]

We’ve tried to make it easier for our children by recording our wishes about whether to prolong our lives if we’re not in the condition to do so.

As someone whose parents are getting to be that age, this is something I wish they would do. It’s also easy for things to deteriorate really quickly, leaving loved ones trying to figure out the way forward. Both my grandfather and grandmother went like this. Were able to live on their own until they suddenly couldn’t, and passed within a year of that.

 

[Huntn]

Sorry to hear about your dad. From your description, he's quite functional, especially for someone his age. I assume he's living alone, which opens him up to all sort of problems if he suffers a medical setback, which will be even more difficult to handle as a crisis. I understand why he's reluctant to move into assisted living — to him, it's the beginning of the end — but he needs to sooner rather than later. Your father may be more willing to hear this from a third-party. If you and your brother can't convince him, is there another relative or friend he might listen to? Alternatively, have you asked for professional counseling?

Good luck!

Thanks. He sees no purpose to be counseled. He’s actually stoic regarding his situation and is good with the reality of it. He has a good attitude about the end, not scared, wants it, as in “it’s time to go, but I’m still here”. Until he ran out of energy he was good chugging along, but now as the routine basic are becoming difficult, he’s once again considering an alternative, assisted living. The reality is if he stays at home, it will sooner than later get messy, and at some point ugly.

This is the point where many people would choose to end it, and some do. I’m all for voluntarily peaceful suicide. Yes, it would have to be managed properly as I’m reminded of the Edward G Robinson scene in Soylent Green.

 

[Huntn]

I think we push it way too far with being alive as long as possible. It needs to be an option to end your life when you choose, before you're a vegetable permanently strapped to a bed. After 75 yo I'm not sure someone should be considered suicidal if they want to get the check, so to speak. Life isn't precious, a quality life is.

I agree 100%. If I judge my life, my first serious medical scare happened when I was 70, now I’m 71 and I’m still mobile and active, There are things I enjoy, have a partner I live with who I love and keeps me company. Marriage can be a real trip both positive and negative, and it can be a real pain in the ass, as you are forced to compromise, in my experience constantly. But I’ve come to terms with this. I dread for the one who is left after the first one goes. And being the coward, tell her I hope I go first.
My Aunt who passed away a year or so ago, had it made, a husband a daughter living with them, and a second who came to stay for the end. They cared for her, and hospice came in at the end for about a month.
Living alone complicates everything.

 

[Alli]

This is the point where many people would choose to end it, and some do. I’m all for voluntarily peaceful suicide. Yes, it would have to be managed properly as I’m reminded of the Edward G Robinson scene in Soylent Green.

My mother often references that scene. Who wouldn’t choose to go like that?

 

[Herdfan]

We’ve tried to make it easier for our children by recording our wishes about whether to prolong our lives if we’re not in the condition to do so. But if I’m still able, I hope I’ll have the courage to make the right decision.

We recently updated our Living Will. One of the provisions is that her mom is to have zero say in our care if it comes down to it. ZERO! She has shown that what she wants is more important that the care of her daughter so she is out. We also are going to be cremated which will piss her off to no end, but that is what we are doing.

 

[Roller]

Thanks. He sees no purpose to be counseled. He’s actually stoic regarding his situation and is good with the reality of it. He has a good attitude about the end, not scared, wants it, as in “it’s time to go, but I’m still here”. Until he ran out of energy he was good chugging along, but now as the routine basic are becoming difficult, he’s once again considering an alternative, assisted living. The reality is if he stays at home, it will sooner than later get messy, and at some point ugly.

This is the point where many people would choose to end it, and some do. I’m all for voluntarily peaceful suicide. Yes, it would have to be managed properly as I’m reminded of the Edward G Robinson scene in Soylent Green.

I think many old people who realize they can no longer live alone don't think there's anything better than the horrible nursing homes we all hear about. Heck, I wouldn't want that for myself. There are much better alternatives, though. I've known people in assisted living facilities that seemed like they'd be a good place to spend my later years without having to worry about all the things ones does living alone. They're generally quite expensive, though.

When I was much younger we lived with my grandmother until she passed. Unfortunately, those sorts of living arrangements are a rarity these day with so much mobility.

Wishing you and your dad the best.

 

[Huntn]

When Dad called my brother and said “There has to be a change, I can’t go on like this” he jumped on a plane and flew to Florida. Here’s the issue, Dad has gotten erratic. He is ready to go and not to an elderly group home. However they did visit one, and it reinforced “nope”.
Now we are looking at 3 elements:

• Food delivery when he can no longer make it to the store. .
• Periodic house cleaning service.
• Assisted living care, when he reaches that point.

The problem is, Dad is not consistent, he’s hot and cold and he’s too damned cheap. Everything costs too much. I will be heading down there in the next month.

 

[Eric]

My mother (90) lives in a regular apartment. The senior community didn’t work out well for her, but this is no different other than they don’t offer bus tours hither and yon. But that’s what I’m for. She hates the idea of living beyond her “expiration date,” and wonders why science keeps looking for ways to increase longevity. In her words “getting old is everything it’s cracked up to be.”

I chuckled a little bit when reading this because even in my late 50s I'm thinking like that, why in the world would I want to live another 30 years? Not in the best of health and the suffering already sucks so it's hard to imagine.

 

[Eric]

When Dad called my brother and said “There has to be a change, I can’t go on like this” he jumped on a plane and flew to Florida. Here’s the issue, Dad has gotten erratic. He is ready to go and not to an elderly group home. However they did visit one, and it reinforced “nope”.
Now we are looking at 3 elements:

• Food delivery when he can no longer make it to the store. .
• Periodic house cleaning service.
• Assisted living care, when he reaches that point.

The problem is, Dad is not consistent, he’s hot and cold and he’s too damned cheap. Everything costs too much. I will be heading down there in the next month.

I am just starting to follow this thread and had no idea you were going through this, if it's any consolation we are facing nearly the exact same thing with my father-in-law. He is in his 80s, refuses to take his diabetes medications, is in diapers and refuses any and all outside help, leaving feces and pee all over the house. My mother-in-law, who is also struggling is left to take care of him, we also try but he refuses us too.

So, we all wait until he falls and then call an ambulance because his wife cannot pick him up, she's half his size and in her 80s. We live in another state so we can't be right near them either. When the ambulance came last time he refused them, while being on the floor, cut up and bruised, so they had to carry him out fighting and then restrain him to treat him.

He's then hospitalized for a couple of weeks until he's just strong enough to go home, even though he fell twice while in their care, where he will surely fall again within a week and go back to the hospital kicking and screaming, while raging at the staff the entire time he's there.

We don't know what to do, in Oregon they have a right to refuse help for any reason and short of an emergency he'll be left to sit and die in his chair. It's really sad.

Glad to hear your father is at least acknowledging things and trying where he can, that's a blessing.

 

[Huntn]

I am just starting to follow this thread and had no idea you were going through this, if it's any consolation we are facing nearly the exact same thing with my father-in-law. He is in his 80s, refuses to take his diabetes medications, is in diapers and refuses any and all outside help, leaving feces and pee all over the house. My mother-in-law, who is also struggling is left to take care of him, we also try but he refuses us too.

So, we all wait until he falls and then call an ambulance because his wife cannot pick him up, she's half his size and in her 80s. We live in another state so we can't be right near them either. When the ambulance came last time he refused them, while being on the floor, cut up and bruised, so they had to carry him out fighting and then restrain him to treat him.

He's then hospitalized for a couple of weeks until he's just strong enough to go home, even though he fell twice while in their care, where he will surely fall again within a week and go back to the hospital kicking and screaming, while raging at the staff the entire time he's there.

We don't know what to do, in Oregon they have a right to refuse help for any reason and short of an emergency he'll be left to sit and die in his chair. It's really sad.

Glad to hear your father is at least acknowledging things and trying where he can, that's a blessing.

Next thing you know, it will be us…

 

[Eric]

Next thing you know, it will be us…

Not me buddy, if I live that long I'll be more than happy to move into assisted living. They take care of everything, your meals, lodging, ambulatory needs, the whole nine yards, why TF anyone would turn this down when they're winding down is absolutely beyond me.

My older brother was homeless due to alcoholism and had to be hospitalized every other month, eventually landed in assisted living and has been doing well as a result for years now. It works for those who choose to use it.

 

[Huntn]

Not me buddy, if I live that long I'll be more than happy to move into assisted living. They take care of everything, your meals, lodging, ambulatory needs, the whole nine yards, why TF anyone would turn this down when they're winding down is absolutely beyond me.

My older brother was homeless due to alcoholism and had to be hospitalized every other month, eventually landed in assisted living and has been doing well as a result for years now. It works for those who choose to use it.

I meant age wise… The real sad thing is that assisted living is an unaffordable luxury for most citizens.

 

[Eric]

I meant age wise… The real sad thing is that assisted living is an unaffordable luxury for most citizens.

This is the catch, they'll drain every penny you have, everything you own, and require family to infuse cash to make it happen. It is sad if you aren't rich.

 

[Herdfan]

I chuckled a little bit when reading this because even in my late 50s I'm thinking like that, why in the world would I want to live another 30 years? Not in the best of health and the suffering already sucks so it's hard to imagine.

With you 100%. My wife and I joke that we are going to Thelma & Louise off a cliff for our 50th Anniversary. We kid about it, but I also watched my dad himself when walking down the hall (fortunately he was in an assisted living facility) and be scared (not sure of what) most of his waking hours. He did this for 1.5 years.

And mom had cascading failures starting with her kidneys so some days she was perfectly lucid and others she had no idea what was going on. When we looked at an assisted living facility for her we toured the new one and it was beautiful. I am just so glad her part-time caregiver was with us on that tour because when she got moved it she told everyone that it was not the place she looked at and we had just stuck her someplace. She was scooter bound for the last 7 or so years of her life.

So no, I don't want this. Not only for me, but not for my wife or daughter either.

This past weekend some friends from my freshman floor got together (we do this every couple of three years) and although we are all the same age (57-59), there is diabetes, 2 heart attacks, cancer and a host of physical maladies. I am still in very good health and most of my pains stem from sports injuries so I consider myself lucky.