This thread is a downer

[Cmaier]

A few days ago I noticed I hadn’t heard in a month from a guy who normally texts me several times a week, often many times a day. I hadn’t noticed because I was busy traveling and such. He’s my closest friend out here in silicon valley, and one of my two or three closest friends over all. I’ve known him for almost 20 years. I don’t see him so much since he moved further up the peninsula and he semi-retired. He’s a great guy. He was a great mentor for me, and helped me in my career when he had no reason to do so. He’s very intellectually curious, and is always reaching out to ask me how things work (he’s not an engineer). Just a very lively and hilarious guy. Down-to-earth no bullshit guy.

I reached out and asked him if everything was ok, and he told me he was diagnosed with a 100% terminal disease (typically quickly) a month ago, though he’s had symptoms for awhile.

I asked him if I could do anything to help him, and he asked me to lunch, which we just had. He has lost a ton of muscle mass - he looks like he’s starving - and he can’t raise his arms (which makes things like eating, dressing, and brushing his teeth very difficult or impossible without help). At lunch we talked about how he’s spending all his remaining time just doing things that make him happy. It wasn’t until a few hours after lunch that it clicked with me that spending an hour or two with me made his list.

Anyway, I’m simultaneously crushed about his suffering and feeling guilty about anticipatory grief.

 

[Yoused]

I’m simultaneously crushed about his suffering and feeling guilty about anticipatory grief.

You should not. Grief is for you. In a little while, he will feel nothing at all, will no longer care about anything (being not in this world). You cannot feel sad for him, as he will be at peace, your grief is for the piece of you that he is (now), that has been taken away. Advance grieving is ok, but be sure to also celebrate his presence while he is still here.

 

[Eric]

A few days ago I noticed I hadn’t heard in a month from a guy who normally texts me several times a week, often many times a day. I hadn’t noticed because I was busy traveling and such. He’s my closest friend out here in silicon valley, and one of my two or three closest friends over all. I’ve known him for almost 20 years. I don’t see him so much since he moved further up the peninsula and he semi-retired. He’s a great guy. He was a great mentor for me, and helped me in my career when he had no reason to do so. He’s very intellectually curious, and is always reaching out to ask me how things work (he’s not an engineer). Just a very lively and hilarious guy. Down-to-earth no bullshit guy.

I reached out and asked him if everything was ok, and he told me he was diagnosed with a 100% terminal disease (typically quickly) a month ago, though he’s had symptoms for awhile.

I asked him if I could do anything to help him, and he asked me to lunch, which we just had. He has lost a ton of muscle mass - he looks like he’s starving - and he can’t raise his arms (which makes things like eating, dressing, and brushing his teeth very difficult or impossible without help). At lunch we talked about how he’s spending all his remaining time just doing things that make him happy. It wasn’t until a few hours after lunch that it clicked with me that spending an hour or two with me made his list.

Anyway, I’m simultaneously crushed about his suffering and feeling guilty about anticipatory grief.

All natural feelings in my experience. Really sorry to hear this but at least you're there for him and it doesn't sound like you hedged for a second when he asked you to lunch. Sadly, it's not uncommon for people to turn their backs on people who are gravely ill for one reason or another. It's good you guys got to at least spend some quality time together.

 

[fischersd]

Similar challenges with one of my best friends (one of the few I have left) that's had considerable health challenges over the last decade or so.

Truly sad how many dear to us we lose in the latter half of our lives. "More funerals than weddings" I used to say in my 40's.

All we can do is cherish the time that we've had with them. Yoused nailed it on the grief topic. It's our loss of them that pains us. Everyone needs time to grieve in their own way. It's important we give ourselves that time.

 

[Roller]

A few days ago I noticed I hadn’t heard in a month from a guy who normally texts me several times a week, often many times a day. I hadn’t noticed because I was busy traveling and such. He’s my closest friend out here in silicon valley, and one of my two or three closest friends over all. I’ve known him for almost 20 years. I don’t see him so much since he moved further up the peninsula and he semi-retired. He’s a great guy. He was a great mentor for me, and helped me in my career when he had no reason to do so. He’s very intellectually curious, and is always reaching out to ask me how things work (he’s not an engineer). Just a very lively and hilarious guy. Down-to-earth no bullshit guy.

I reached out and asked him if everything was ok, and he told me he was diagnosed with a 100% terminal disease (typically quickly) a month ago, though he’s had symptoms for awhile.

I asked him if I could do anything to help him, and he asked me to lunch, which we just had. He has lost a ton of muscle mass - he looks like he’s starving - and he can’t raise his arms (which makes things like eating, dressing, and brushing his teeth very difficult or impossible without help). At lunch we talked about how he’s spending all his remaining time just doing things that make him happy. It wasn’t until a few hours after lunch that it clicked with me that spending an hour or two with me made his list.

Anyway, I’m simultaneously crushed about his suffering and feeling guilty about anticipatory grief.

Sorry to hear about this. About a year ago, a good friend I’d known for forty years passed. A few months later, his partner asked me to participate in a celebration of his life,which I did virtually. The group shared stories and laughed and marveled at our friend’s many adventures, some of which I heard about for the first time. It helped a lot.

 

[cbum]

You can't make new old friends.
So take care of friendships and treasure them.

 

[Cmaier]

In a little while, he will feel nothing at all, will no longer care about anything (being not in this world). You cannot feel sad for him, as he will be at peace,...

The problem is this particular disease is not an easy way to go. He’s going to suffer a lot before it’s over. And in talking to him, I could tell he’s scared about that.

 

[Citysnaps]

I had a similar situation a dozen years ago with a photographer friend who lived in San Francisco. It was a disease that slowly progressed. I spent as much time with him as I could. Talking about life, photography, looking at his photos, going on many walks out to the ocean (while he could) from his neighborhood. It was a bit of a hassle driving up from the mid-peninsula. Looking back, it was something I never regretted.

 

[Katbel]

I'm very sorry for your friend: you are doing the best thing you can and the most difficult thing is to accept it

I have a younger friend who developed an illness that is genetic in her family, alas, but she never told us till the beginning of this year. It is a mitochondrial disease, no cure, cells loose energy and don't function properly . We used to get together to lunch to celebrate our birthdays, 5 of us, 5 birthdays spread over the year. A good way to see everyone. Now a common friend told me she's loosing her mind, doesn't remember where she lives and is becoming violent too. This is not part of her genetic illness, it looks more like dementia or similar. Both her and her husband are doctors, or well, she was a paediatrician.
I saw her in May but she wasn't like now, mentally speaking. I think of her constantly not knowing what to do and being afraid of seeing her like this .

 

[Nycturne]

It's rough.

There was someone I knew back in school, but we drifted apart after high school. Years later I find out that he died in a hiking/climbing accident. And I think the worst part is that he moved into a house two blocks over from where I was living at the time. The sheer coincidence there of being right next to each other, and never able to take advantage of it to reconnect while he was still alive.

 

[Yoused]

I could tell he’s scared about that.

Then you need to offer him what support you can to negotiate this difficult journey. I imagine he will receive palliatives to help ease the physical aspect of the suffering, but the emotional part, the "checking out," is the hard part. If you can help him through that (reassure him that his people will be better for having known him), that is the best thing you can do.

 

[Eric]

Then you need to offer him what support you can to negotiate this difficult journey. I imagine he will receive palliatives to help ease the physical aspect of the suffering, but the emotional part, the "checking out," is the hard part. If you can help him through that (reassure him that his people will be better for having known him), that is the best thing you can do.

My cousin has stage 3 lung cancer and went through more than a year of chemotherapy and immunotherapy which was really hard on her. She can maintain just over 100 pounds but is very weak, still she has a positive outlook on life, still works and does the best she can. Nothing but respect for people like that, I think I would choose not to live through it personally, some have it and some don't.