The official Florida man thread

[fooferdoggie]

Florida Man smashes a beer bottle over his own head and still gets shot by the cops. Florida Man can't win even when he fights himself

Fleeing Florida man breaks beer bottle over head, deputy fires back thinking it was gunshot​

Fleeing Florida man breaks beer bottle over head, deputy fires back thinking it was gunshot

Officials say a man suspected in a series of central Florida crimes broke a beer bottle over his head and was shot by a sheriff’s deputy who thought the sound was a gunshot.

www.news4jax.com

 

[Yoused]

I think he needs a truck like that to haul his enormous penis.

or perhaps to haul his enormous … imagination

 

[SuperMatt]

Florida Man: The Motion Picture

 

[Thomas Veil]

And people move to this state????

 

[Edd]

And people move to this state????

It is fucking baffling.

 

[SuperMatt]

And people move to this state????

The interview with the liquor store owner who explains how most of his customers lost their drivers’ licenses and end up dead from alcoholism… just wow.

 

[DT]

And people move to this state????

Yes, in fact, our neighbor is from Ohio

 

[Thomas Veil]

I used to think moving south was an attractive idea. Not so much anymore. Especially Florida, or Texas.

Ohio is experiencing red rot too, but still not to the same degree.

 

[DT]

I used to think moving south was an attractive idea. Not so much anymore. Especially Florida, or Texas.

Seriously though, I think quite a few folks are apolitical, especially if they're upper-middle class, white, there's nothing about the politics of Flori-Duh that affects them directly (which would be my ILs that have a place down here).

So that removed as a blocker, you wind up with good weather, terrific boating, fishing, surfing - lots of rivers, lakes and springs, camping, biking - a pretty solid intrastate infrastructure, with easy access to airports, quick flights to several islands - theme parks, golf, motorsports, lots of college sports - moderate COL (obv some areas are very high).

 

[Yoused]

good weather

We were in Florida in March a couple times, and the weather, while fair most of the time, was not what I, personally, would call "good". It was mild but already starting to thicken up. I shudder to imagine what it must be like in May, or in August when you are just waiting for the next hurricane. If I had to endure a Florida summer, I would have to go around wearing just a thong all the time, and you do not want to see that.

 

[fooferdoggie]

this is a first. florida kindergartner trying to be Florida Man.
Florida teacher beaten and hospitalized after attack by 5-year-old student, police say

Florida teacher beaten and hospitalized after attack by 5-year-old student, police say

The victim could "blink and breathe regularly" but was not able to "vocally respond" following beating at Pines Lakes Elementary School in Pembroke Pines.

www.nbcnews.com

 

[Runs For Fun]

Lol

Drug-addled Florida man arrested after chasing ghosts with a machete

Who you gonna call? Not this guy.

www.nydailynews.com

 

[fooferdoggie]

Now this is a new one.

Florida Woman Busted For DUI After Huffing Deodorant​

A Florida woman is facing DUI charges after deputies found her with a car full of deodorant spray.

The Martin County Sheriff's Office says 31-year-old Katherine Theodore huffed multiple cans of the deodorant before getting behind the wheel on Sunday.


Deputies pulled her over and noticed a stack of empty Right Guard deodorant spray cans in her car. The sheriff's office said she also appeared impaired. and that a strong scent of the spray was in her car.

According to the sheriff's office, Theodore initially said she sprayed the deodorant because she liked the smell of it. She later admitted she drank alcohol earlier in the day, and then huffed the deodorant while driving her car.

Don't huff and drive people!!

Florida Woman Busted For DUI After Huffing Deodorant | Real Radio 92.1 | The Penthouse

A Florida woman is facing DUI charges after deputies found her with a car full of deodorant spray.

realradio921.iheart.com

 

[Thomas Veil]

Well, that’s a different take on smelling your armpits…

 

[fooferdoggie]

meanwhile florida gator is eating Florida Man.

Investigators identify human remains found in gator's mouth at Hungryland Preserve​

Investigators identify human remains found in gator's mouth at Hungryland Preserve

The remains belong to Dustin Davis Mills, 42, Martin County Sheriff's Office says.

www.wpbf.com

 

[fooferdoggie]

] By the time you're 80, you have to look hard to find someone older to exploit

Deputies: 80-year-old man stole $300,000 from 88-year-old victim​

Deputies: 80-year-old man stole $300,000 from 88-year-old victim

An 80-year-old Pinellas County man is facing charges for allegedly exploiting an 88-year-old man in a business deal.

www.local10.com

 

[Thomas Veil]

meanwhile florida gator is eating Florida Man.

Investigators identify human remains found in gator's mouth at Hungryland Preserve​

Investigators identify human remains found in gator's mouth at Hungryland Preserve

The remains belong to Dustin Davis Mills, 42, Martin County Sheriff's Office says.

www.wpbf.com

Ew. Reminds me of...

"I am not going to stand here and let you cut that thing open and watch that Kittner boy spill out all over the dock!"​

 

[fooferdoggie]

Florida man calls 911 to have meth tested for authenticity, deputies say​

Deputies say Colucci told them that he is an experienced drug user who's used methamphetamine in the past and knew what it should feel like. When it didn’t produce the expected sensation, he decided to call authorities. Colucci then produced two small baggies, each containing a white crystal-like substance, and handed them over to the deputy.

Colucci told deputies he wanted his methamphetamine tested because he did not want other people to purchase "fake" methamphetamine from the person who sold it to him. He wanted deputies to "put the person in trouble" for selling dangerous drugs. However, he was unable to provide a name or any contact info for this individual.


As requested, a deputy performed a field test on a sample of the white crystal-like substance from each of the baggies and both baggies tested positive for methamphetamine, according to HCSO.

Deputies arrested Colucci, who said he was having chest pains after being placed in the back of a patrol vehicle.

After being cleared by a physician at an area hospital Colucci was taken to the Hernando County Detention Center.

He has been charged with possession of methamphetamine and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Florida man calls 911 to have meth tested for authenticity, deputies say

A Spring Hill man is accused of calling 911 to have the methamphetamine he recently purchased from a man he met at an area bar tested because he believed it was really bath salts.

www.fox13news.com

 

[SuperMatt]

Florida man calls 911 to have meth tested for authenticity, deputies say​

Deputies say Colucci told them that he is an experienced drug user who's used methamphetamine in the past and knew what it should feel like. When it didn’t produce the expected sensation, he decided to call authorities. Colucci then produced two small baggies, each containing a white crystal-like substance, and handed them over to the deputy.

Colucci told deputies he wanted his methamphetamine tested because he did not want other people to purchase "fake" methamphetamine from the person who sold it to him. He wanted deputies to "put the person in trouble" for selling dangerous drugs. However, he was unable to provide a name or any contact info for this individual.


As requested, a deputy performed a field test on a sample of the white crystal-like substance from each of the baggies and both baggies tested positive for methamphetamine, according to HCSO.

Deputies arrested Colucci, who said he was having chest pains after being placed in the back of a patrol vehicle.

After being cleared by a physician at an area hospital Colucci was taken to the Hernando County Detention Center.

He has been charged with possession of methamphetamine and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Florida man calls 911 to have meth tested for authenticity, deputies say

A Spring Hill man is accused of calling 911 to have the methamphetamine he recently purchased from a man he met at an area bar tested because he believed it was really bath salts.

www.fox13news.com

That was very nice of them to come out so quickly and test it for free!

 

[lizkat]

Honestly I have had to resort to reading short story collections about Florida to regain some perspective on Floridians. The "Florida man" meme, after it was adopted by some media outlets as a surefire way to attract clicks, has managed among other things to becloud the fact that there are people "just like" the thoroughly stereotyped Florida persona all over these United States, and in the rest of the world as well.

It's just that other countries don't tend to celebrate this particular kind of stereotype so insistently in what passes for journalism. Instead, people who are "the Florida man" (or woman, and not necessarily from Florida at all) do pop up as individual characters and are presented with more depth, in novels, novellas or nonfictional profiles / essays. And as individuals, they can be fascinating.

Meanwhile as far as "Florida man" journalism goes, the once-touted firewall between the editorial and marketing sides of media outlets seems to have collapsed all over the USA.